Are you going to hell?
If you’re that worried perhaps you shouldn’t be asking a junior secretary at your local parish. It’s not my call.

- Is this a holy day of obligation? No. But don’t let that stop you.
- I’m travelling? This is a universal church. Don’t let that stop you.
- I can’t find the rules for fasting in the bulletin? Can I claim ignorance? No. I would say if you call me and tell me what the fasting guidelines are and then ask if you don’t have to follow them because you didn’t see them in the bulletin, you can’t claim ignorance.
- What point in the Mass will ashes be distributed? I’m not saying. How can 8 out of 10 callers be disappointed that there is going to be a Mass?
- Can we just help ourselves to ashes? No.
- I was a good girl, went to Church and then fell and skinned my knee? Is God trying to tell me something? Yeah, Embot. “Watch where you’re walking. If you are like your mother, walking and talking may not be your strongest talent.”
- I don’t think I can make it to the 7:30pm Mass. Can I just get some ashes from you? No. What do you think this is folks, a church or A VOODOO SHOP?

And to the family members who wrote, “I’M COMING TO GET YOU” in the frost on my windshield: Thank You. It’s nice to feel appreciated. (The happy faces kept me from thinking it was a threat left by a disgruntled caller.)