Why I am thankful that the graces from attending Mass are not dependent upon my emotions
OR
Some weeks I could walk out of church like a depleted James Brown exiting the stage.......

*Watch the breakfast patter. Make mental note to ask spouse why he brings up the Ossuary of James topic (ie. - foot in the door for dissenting teen who now wants to argue everything....) and then asks the dissenting teen if she has filed her eye teeth because they look sharper than usual. Men just don’t understand what that does to a girl. My father once made a comment about Edgar Bergen being lucky to have such a good looking daughter. He forgot it almost immediately.
I still seethe when I see Candace Bergen.

* Be careful what you say before church if you are with children with echolalia. When you see signs on the main doors, don’t blurt out, “Who nailed the theses to the doors?”
Son #1, “Feces, Feces, on the doors?”
Son #2, ‘Feces, Feces, what about feces?”
All you can do is change the subject. Saying something like, “Stop saying that!” just increases the likelihood of repetition. Promise lunch at Burger King and a fascinating explanation of what you were really talking about. (Explaining 95 theses at this point would only lead to more scatalogical humor)

*Remove stray duct tape from left shoe before entering church.

*Try to confiscate wooden turkey that came to church in son’s pocket.

*Don’t look at spouse when the substitute organist hits some real clinkers. If it sounds like a clinker to me (officially known as ‘tune death’ to the children), it is going to be torture to a man with perfect pitch. Pay no attention to your partner’s hair standing on end and the twitch around his eye.

*Try to overlook the priest’s homiletic admonition to be a good live-er. Especially since it is seven years to the day since your spouse almost bled to death during surgery when his liver was ‘nicked.’

*Explain the difference between theses and feces over lunch at Burger King.
Keep it brief and interesting. Get in a dig at the Lutherans being too ‘stingy’ to have a ‘holy day’ during the week (except for Christmas) and talk about “Reformation Sunday.” Express appreciation for spouse’s contribution about Luther doing much of his writing in the loo. Regret sharing with him one of the few shreds of info that you can remember from your Reformation Era Thinkers class in college.

Wonder why no one sits near your family at the Burger King.......